lollchelsea

I have a really bittersweet outlook on you.
I'm still stupid enough to think that you'll be good for me when I know that you aren't. You keep playing meeee, and honestly, I'm starting to not care anymore but at the same time, it kills me.

I'm generally a patient person, but when it comes to relationships and stuff, I'm pretty impatient.. at least right now anyway. I keep saying I don't want to settle but the reason my standards are so high is because the only person I truly want is you. 

I'm looking in all the wrong places for the right guy. I keep getting this feeling that he's right in front of me and I'm just too wrapped up in what I want to pay attention. I know that I deserve someone better than you; someone that cares for me like I care for him, a guy that I won't have to wait for, a guy who will come to me, instead of me coming to him. Someone that doesn't lie to get what he's looking for. Problem is, you don't possess any of those qualities and if I were to actually look for someone with them, I would have to let go of you. God knows I'm not ready to do that.


I annoy myself so much. I know what I have to do- what's right. I'm just way too stubborn to do anything. I hate you, seriously. You make things so hard.
WHY do I keep chasing after something that isn't there?

Text to Kristin: Kristiiiin, my  thoughts and emotions are all jumbled up and I have butterflies in my stomach.

The last time I had butterflies in my stomach was on May 2nd and it was because of the same reason I have butterflies now; you.

For once I feel incredibly happy and incredibly nervous at the same time. 

There is one thing I love more than anything about summer vacation. It isn't the chance to travel anywhere, being able to sleep in, not having to do tests or homework or anything. It is the chance to get away from all of the people that make my day suck; the bitches, the sluts, the people that hate me. I love being able to surround myself with the people I really want to be with, and escaping from the people I could care less about.

Even though it's only been two days since school let out, it has been an excellent summer so far. 
Yesterday Joe, Eric and I drove up to Cincinnati to celebrate the end of our junior year; we went to the mall (It was a thousand times better than Fayette Mall), We shopped for a looong time and went into stores that we don't have in Lexington, like an Apple store, Metro Park, H&M, Forever 21, etc. We drove around to find a Steinmart so that Joe could compare it to the one he works at, and we went to the Cheesecake Factory. We sat in there for three hours and played the "Who would you fuck, marry, and kill" game. It got verrry interesting. On the way home Joe got lost in a bad neighborhood at one point and he kept trying to wake me up when I was trying to fall asleep. Even though this paragraph didn't make it sound like it, it was a really fun day. 10 out of 10. I loved it. :)

Oh, when I got home, I found this on the table next to my bed.



My momma stuck that in my room while I was gone. Treasures are my favorite kind of chocolate and getting that note made me smile. I love when she does stuff like that, so I thought I'd post it on here :)

Today wasn't too eventful. I drew a picture, which is new because I don't really sketch anymore. I'd say it turned out pretty good. Of course it was Alex Pardee though; his stuff is SO easy to draw, despite what you may think.

I'm disappointed with the quality of my picture. I guess the fact that I got lazy when I started finishing it and I took the picture with my phone doesn't really help, so naturally it looks better in person. I'm mostly happy with the way it turned out though. Unfortunately that was the highlight of my day. haha.

Tomorrow should be fun. Sarah and I have agreed to meet up in a field early in the morning and walk around and talk. She's going to write and I'm going to draw, and we're going to enjoy each other's company. I'm really looking forward to it.
In all, I think this summer will be really good. As of just a few minutes ago, I found out I'm going to Ichthus with Sarah. That's BEYOND exciting. And I have other plans for the summer too; I might write about them if they actually happen but probably not.
One more thing I love the most about summer; it's like, a chance to start things over. Or that's how it feels right now, at least.

You may know who you are, you may not. Either way, I'm writing about you.

I was doing some thinking today and you came up; I was thinking about our past and the things we've kind of been through together and this is what I've decided: even though you did some really shitty things, you know, leading me on and whatever, I'm okay with you. To me, you're still an alright person. Truthfully, I didn't have it in me to text that to you because I didn't want you to think I was creepy for thinking about you after all this time. And as you're reading this (if you're reading this), you may think it's creepy now but I don't care. I just wanted to say that despite everything, I'm okay with you. All of the bad things... well it's all water under the bridge.

Forgiveness kind of settles in after I get over things.
You're one to know that I forgive no matter what.

adfdsadfd

I keep losing out or having to comprimise.
It's getting reallllllll old, realllllly quick.

This won't be ruined for me.
I can promise you that.


-Just a side note:
Even though I have one of his songs on my ipod,
I think that people who like Jeffree Star are really stupid.
There's nothing to like about him.
Yup, that's all.

That's all it took.

Two seconds for my heart to twist into a knot.

You're around, I guess and nothing.
Not a single word to tell me that you're okay.
And to think that the entry below was about you.

This makes me miss you even more.
My heart is aching for no reason.

I don't want to think about you anymore.
I don't want to write about you anymore.

You don't care,
so I won't either.

A few days ago I was invited to a Facebook event called "No Makeup Day Protest: You Are Beautiful" and all you had to do was go without makeup today to protest the unfair conception of beauty in modern society. I was comfortable with going the school day without makeup, but I have decided to take it one step further.

What I decided to do was take ONE picture of myself without makeup and I would post it on here as my individual protest. I've realized that girls have become too dependent on makeup to make themselves look good. I don't even like going out without a little mascara on my eye lashes. Now, personally I'm not one to try and hide myself under tons of makeup in the first place. I wear mascara and eyeliner to bring out my eyes but maybe I don't even need that. I guess I just wanted to prove to myself that I could post a picture without anything on my face to a public website and be okay with it.

As a reminder, here is a picture of what I look like with makeup:



Now here is a picture of what I look like without makeup:


(Note: in the first picture, the brightness was edited a little. The second picture isn't edited at all)
Although I think I look a little cracked out, I don't think I look a WHOLE lot different from the first picture. But honestly, maybe makeup isn't necassary anyway and I'm not just saying that for myself. I think natural beauty is better than anything you can get from a tube; to a certain extent with makeup you look like everyone else or you're trying to achieve a specific look similar to others.  Girls should be able to show off their natural beauty without being self conscious of what they actually look like. I hate that girls feel they need to hide their freckles and blemishes with cover up when 99.9% of the world has them too. Makeup contributes to the breakouts on our faces! It sucks that girls feel their eyelashes need to be longer or their skin a little darker than the girl standing next to them. People tell me I should tan all the time but I don't listen to them. I like being a natural skin tone, and I'm not really feelin' the risk of skin cancer anyway.

You may think I'm being prideful or conceited but why not take pride in yourself? I think you should embrace your "flaws". I'm not saying that I'm perfect because I'm definitly being hypocritical right now. I just know that makeup doesn't make you truly beautiful sometimes.

I encourage you to do the same thing I did; go a day without makeup. Take a picture of your natural face and feel proud. You have a reason to be. I believe that God made us for His liking, not the worlds so why alter anything about yourself? We are beautiful in His eyes -- that's what I keep telling myself. I am what I am and I shouldn't want to change that at all.
Like Eleanor Roosevelt said (and these are words to live by) -
 

I was so dummmb.


".... He doesn't deserve me though! He doesn't deserve anything that has to do with me. I know that I don't mean anything to him; I'm nothing. I don't know why he tells me differently. Oh wait, yes I do. Sometimes I wish he would just tell me the truth.
"Chelsea, you don't mean anything to me and you never did"
But that would hurt.
"I was just using you"
But at least he would be telling the truth.
"And for that, we're both pathetic."
The truth hurts."

I wrote that a long time ago. It will be a year ago, two months from now.

I took things so seriously. It's funny. And I know anyone reading this won't understand completely.. well you might but whatever. I put this here for my own amusment.

My, how things have changed.
 

:)